the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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