i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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