thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
