Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize