Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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