What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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