my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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