my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
