this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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