There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
