I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
