Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
