Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
