I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
