I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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