There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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