I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize