So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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