Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
