My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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