I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
