i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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