i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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