u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
