Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
