we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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