I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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