my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
