I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
