seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
