I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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