In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
