Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
