She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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