Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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