Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
