I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
