shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
false alarm, still single
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