Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
