what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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