The maid of honor just puked.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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