just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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