I think I won the penis lottery.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
time to smoke my breakfast
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize