Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
you made out with another girl for some wings
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
