I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
