i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The ass gains better be worth it
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