just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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