i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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