I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
