Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize