Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
