My first STD was from a foam party
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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