I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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