so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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