i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
