Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
