Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
