I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
