I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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