i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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