Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
