Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My penis needs a shock collar
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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