I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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