If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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